that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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