Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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