As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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