Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
