careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
