things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
