I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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