in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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