winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
