Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Randomize
