Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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