My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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