i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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