I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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