Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
