Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
