I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
