i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
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