yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
