some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
