you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
