I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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