Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
