Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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