How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
