i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
