You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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