My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
