I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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