Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
