I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
