i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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