Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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