Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
