Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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