No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
