Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
