im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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