the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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