were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Terrible idea I love it
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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