i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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