our cab driver is having phone sex.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
