U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
