I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
