I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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