I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
