Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
