i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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