We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
