If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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