Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
