I'm drive I can fine osifer
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
