this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
