stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
